Two Things Never To Do in Hanoi

First to my initial misadventures… my entry to Vietnam was quite different from my expectations – and again stresses the importance of being sure you understand fully whomever you are talking to. I had read quite a bit about all the various scams the Hanoi folk use to extract money from naïve visitors and the American sitting next to me mentioned that Hanoi was indeed problematic in that regard.

   The First Thing They Tell You Never To Do (which, of course, I did)

. To my surprise there was no one to greet me on my arrival in Hanoi airport.  I stayed at the entry point for 15 minutes or so, but no one with a sign was there for me. Finally, a “nice” young man came up to me and asked if I was waiting for someone. I told him yes, and he then asked if I wanted to borrow his cell phone to call that person. That seemed quite agreeable and I called Dr. Nghia to find out what was happening. Now, perhaps it was due to my having gone 27 straight hours without more than an hour of sleep, but our conversation was confusing. A driver should have been there, but perhaps he was also picking someone else up or there was some other problem and maybe I should just take a taxi to the hotel. But, it was all a bit unresolved  and I failed to make sure I understood what was happening. At this point the “nice”young man asked if I wanted him to find me a taxi.  Yes, I said (FIRST MISTAKE). About 5 minutes later he comes in to get me, but it is his car that he is driving and not a taxi. He (and his friend) will drive me to the hotel for $15 – which I know is about the standard fee. Ok I say (but my brainstem is yelling “you’ve done this before schmuck, NO!) Attribute it to exhaustion or just my general state of confusion and finding no one to greet me, I get in. The “adventure” begins….

The first thing that happens – and this may have not been anything wrong, but after we leave the airport we take an “alternate route”.  The driver points out to me that the bridge leading from the airport is under construction and there is total gridlock – this is true I see, traffic is backed up for miles and going nowhere. We are going to avoid sitting in traffic for hours but will have to take a very roundabout route (60 km rather than 40 km). Off we go away from the highway and down a series of pitch dark back roads. I think what they tell me is true since the road is filled with motorbikes coming from the airport and all going in the same direction that we are. The ride is an adventure as we swerve around motorbikes, cross back to our side of the road as oncoming traffic looms up and sound the horn every 15 seconds to warn the unwary of our approach. After 5 minutes I decide that perhaps I should put on my seatbelt. It takes a long time to get to the outskirts of Hanoi, but the guy is a very good driver overall and the car is a nice modern vehicle. We make pleasant conversation but then the bomb drops. Once we are in Hanoi they point out they are low on gas and need some dong (local currency) for gas. We will need to stop at a cash machine and I need to get some local currency for them. (ALARM!!!!! – I’ve read about this one. You (not me!) get some local currency not knowing what anything is worth and instead of them taking 35,000 dong ($5) for gas they take 350,000 dong ($50) to rip you off. I may be tired, I may be confused, I may be a schmuck in the first place, but there is no way they are playing me for this one. No way, I say- take me to the hotel – we agreed on $15, but I have a $20 bill and just take me to the hotel and they can have the $20. Now ensures a shouting match. “You are an evil person!” they shout. “You are scamming me, forget it” I shout . This goes back and forth for  quite a while. Take me to the hotel, I yell. You are not a nice person they shout. At least they make no allegations about the legitimacy of my birth. We get back in the car and they drive another few blocks and stop at the corner of what has to be the darkest street I have ever seen (the corner is well lit, but the street leading off it is pitch black). Hotel down this street they say. I know this is bullshit, but I so eager to be quits of them,  I give them the $20,  grab my bags and get out of the car. They are kind of standing there waiting for me to set off, but there is no way I am heading down that dark street with the two of them standing there.

 The Second Thing the books say Never To Do in Hanoi:

 Having done the First Thing, well, why not do the Second Thing and get them both over with?   As it happens there is an old guy (well, actually my age) on a motorcycle who happens to come by at that moment. “You need ride?  (The extent of his English).  I pull out the piece of paper with the hotel name on it.   Yes, he confirms it is indeed down that dark street, but then (a detail the other fine fellows neglect to mention) it is a left turn and another 3 km.  Want a ride?  To show me how much he pulls out of his wallet a 20,000 dong note and a 10,000 dong note. With the exchange rate at 17,000 dong to the dollar, this seems like a reasonable price. I pull out 2 $1 bills. He looks a bit dubious, but pockets them and off we go. What do the guidebooks all say? Riding on these motorcycle taxis is very dangerous. Tourists should not do this, particularly with a large suitcase wedged between the driver and yourself and with a large backpack on your pack.  Now I find myself  with my backpack on my back, my large suitcase jammed between me whizzing through the old district of  Hanoi at midnight. Now it is us the cars are beeping as we swerve around various vehicles. I can’t see very much but the one thing I do notice is that he is wearing a helmet and I am not.  But this somehow comforts me – I am pleased that he is concerned about his own personal safety.

Five minutes later we do arrive at the hotel to my great relief. There is a phone message for me – please call Mr Nghia. Mr Nghia now informs me that he was looking for me at  the airport, but that perhaps he arrived a few minutes late due to the traffic. Now I am again confused… Didn’t he tell me that the driver might not be there that I should take a taxi? Again, a reminder to myself – don’t be afraid to ask the same question three ways to make sure they understand the question and I understand the answer. In any case, I did get here safely  (and with a story to boot!) and got some sleep last night and just had a nice Vietnamese breakfast buffet in the hotel. Time to call Mr Nghia again. He is scheduled to come by the hotel this morning and they have also scheduled to take me out to dinner tonight.